


Crosses I Bear

by LexiM02



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: F/F, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Tags Are Hard, it's a real slow build, there's a lot of homophobia, with infrequent updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-07
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-07 01:16:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8777338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LexiM02/pseuds/LexiM02
Summary: Michael belongs to a strict religious household. What happens when he falls for someone he was never supposed to fall for? Someone he shouldn't have even thought of falling for?





	1. Of Crosses and Questions

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first work I'm publishing here, and I'm 90% sure it's crap, but I hope you enjoy it! Updates won't be regular b/c I don't write enough, just letting you know that now.

Michael stared at the wooden crucifix that was a prominent fixture and main attraction in their kitchen as he ate dinner with his mom. There were more crosses in the house than Michael knew existed in the entire plain of the earth.   
But Mom, how will people know that you, a white woman in Fort Worth, Texas, are a Catholic?  
Michael remembered asking that two years ago, jokingly. His mother said it was just to add a little more faith in the house. There was a large wall of crosses in the living room, and there was at least one crucifix in each room of the house. Both bathrooms, spare bedroom, the only place without one was Michael’s bedroom. He thought the house had more than enough faith.  
Michael stared at the wooden depiction of the crucified Jesus, our lord and saviour, above his mother’s head. He couldn’t believe that the figure of Christ was such an important feature in his mother’s life, and was subsequently supposed to be a huge force in Michael’s life as well. He thought of how, at seven, a silver cross on a silver chain he was gifted for his birthday was supposed to mean the world to him, how now, at 16, he didn't know what was important or how to even think properly. His view of love and tolerance was stained and tainted by Bible verses. He remembered how he had always been told that man shall not lie with man, shall not marry man, shall not hold hands or kiss in public or donate blood, or even fucking exist in most cases. He’d been “educated” about how God Hates Fags and boys don’t wear skirts or makeup and Real Men Like Women. That was why, Michael thought, his mother seemed to hate him. She knew that he was different. He wasn’t normal. He never had been. He knew he wasn’t normal. He had never had much interest in girls. Or anyone at all, for that matter. Until 7th grade, when, during Sunday School he had been staring at the back of another boy’s head, wondering what it would be like to kiss him, when they started in about the sins of homosexuality.   
“Michael?”  
“Yes, mom?”  
“Are you alright?”   
You’re eating dinner, Michael thought to himself. Stop waxing philosophical about how gay you are.  
“Exams are coming up, just a little stressed about them.”   
Stressed was an understatement. Right about now, the food on his plate may as well have been dirt for all he could taste. She’s going to find out. Michael picked at the side of his nail. She’s gonna find out you're a flaming homo and she’s gonna disown you and then where will you be?  
“Don’t worry yourself too much, okay? You’ve always been smart.” She said, walking to the sink, plate in hand. She ran her hand, with its perfectly manicured nails, through his unkempt, messy curls. “Just a little studying, don’t make yourself sick like you did last year worrying. I have faith in you, sweetheart. No matter your test score, I still love you.”   
Michael longed to reply with “would you still love me if you knew? Really knew? Knew that I was never your perfect son and I can never be your perfect son, I can never ever live up to your actual expectations and I can never be your honourable Catholic son. I think wrong and I feel wrong and I must be wired wrong and I’m terrified of you finding out and disowning me, and I am so sorry I can never be your perfect little boy.”   
But Michael just smiled lightly and kept eating.   
It was wrong. He was wrong. The whole damned system was wrong. How on earth was it possible for his own mother to hate him just because he wasn’t straight? He wasn’t. He never had been. He never would be. He pretended he was for a while. It was more of a panic-stricken way to deny himself of his own identity for a little longer. He ended up taking his girlfriend, Lindsay, to the formal the winter of their freshman year. It ended in a brutal, entirely public screaming match fueled by 14-year old angst and an identity crisis. He never brought another girl home and his mother didn’t question it.   
Michael stared at his bedroom ceiling when he finally went to bed that night, the arms of the cross around his neck weighing heavy on his bare, freckled chest.   
How long was he going to fight with who he was to be who his mom wanted him to be? 

 

Michael stared at the poster on the bulletin board by his locker. It was on neon pink poster board and had rainbows all over it.   
“LGBT Club! Queer? Questioning? Come to Mr. Hullum’s classroom (room 1411) this Friday at 4:00pm after school. We provide a safe space to talk and answer questions about yourself!”   
Michael almost felt like vomiting. He knew that only one person would pull the kind of weight to make that happen, even though their principal was pretty open-minded, he would never have just thought this up. Gavin Free. The only “out” gay person in their entire grade. He got bullied pretty hard, but for whatever reason, it never seemed to bother him. His parents knew, and they didn’t care in the slightest. Every homophobic slur rolled off of him like water off of an extremely flamboyant duck. Michael stared daggers at the lettering. He wanted to join, sure, maybe it would help him answer a few things, but he couldn’t possibly join.   
“Whatcha readin’?”   
Ray’s voice startled him. Michael forgot he had been walking with his best friend.   
“That tacky-ass poster,” Michael said, flicking his eyes back to his locker.   
Ray read it and snickered. “Man, that’s an eye catcher. Thinking of joining?” Ray asked, oddly serious.   
“I’m not gay.” Liars and gays burn in hell, Michael. Aren’t you glad you’re both?   
The lie rolled off his tongue with a practiced ease. He’d said it so many times before, he started to believe it a little. But he couldn’t keep lying. Everyone would know soon enough.   
“Aw, come on. It could be worth extra credit, Mikey.”   
“Drop it. Why would I go to a club made for gay people?”   
“Good point.” Ray shrugged.   
The topic was never brought up the rest of the week. Friday came too fast, and the day flew by. Michael was standing by his locker debating himself on what he was going to do. He could turn down the hall to the right where he knew Ray would be waiting by his own locker so they could walk home together, or he could take the left, which led right to Mr. Hullum’s room. It was incredibly difficult to choose. After what felt like an eternity, Michael turned to the left and walked down the hallway. He tried to look casual as he stood outside room 1411, but he knew he was failing. He wasn't joined by any others.   
Just when Michael was starting to think that this club was just a giant lie, Gavin Free, certified English twink, rounded the corner.   
“Come on in!”   
Michael followed him into the room. The stark, empty classroom that Mr. Hullum had set aside for them.   
Gavin scratched the back of his neck nervously.   
“Maybe we should give it a few minutes? I mean, after all, you are ten minutes early.”   
“Don't get used to it,” Michael said, flatly.


	2. Decisions, Decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to put up the first two chapters side by side, but from now on each one should be long enough that I don't have to do this. Happy reading!

Ten minutes seemed to not make much of a difference at all. Ten minutes later, Michael was still the only one there, and he had taken to texting Ray since Gavin was whining about nobody else being there.   
R: dude what the hell  
M:what's up?  
R: where were you we were supposed to walk home together.  
R: or did you forget?  
M: come on ray don't be dramatic  
R: I do what I want  
R: so where the fuck are you anyways?  
R: out with some cheerleader or something?  
R: you always did ditch me for Lindsay when you guys were together.  
M: shut the fuck up   
M: mom picked me up and I forgot to tell you  
M: stop being a whiner  
“I can't believe only one person showed up. Mr. Burns is going to cut the club so fast…”  
M: anyway   
M: I'm bored as shit what r u doing  
R: I was trying to play some halo but   
R: I mean talking to you is better than talking to racially insensitive 12-year-olds on XBox Live  
R: why what are you doing?   
M: counting the crosses on mom's wall. I'm up to 15.  
R: Jesus Christ  
M: yeah that's the point.  
“And you're here because…?”  
Michael set his phone down as Gavin asked that. He didn't want to say it out loud. Gavin looked at him expectantly. Gavin was attractive, oddly enough. Michael thought so. Delicately mussed blond hair, cutting green eyes, he definitely had looks to kill.  
Michael's heart skipped a beat. He had not just thought another boy was attractive. No way. No how. Michael shook his head imperceptibly to Gavin since he was looking at a binder full of paper.   
“Why do you think?”   
“You're gay? Questioning, maybe?”   
This little shit was going to make him admit that he was gay. Michael didn't know if he could do that.   
“Yeah. I-I’m, uh…” Michael swallowed thickly. After years of being told it was wrong, he was expected to embrace a part of himself he alienated from his own mind so fast? “I’m gay.” Michael finally said. It felt nice to say. Gavin smiled a gentle smile, one that was oddly friendly and nice.   
“And your name?”   
“Uh…”   
“Uh. Great name. Nice to meet you, Uh. I’m Gav.”   
That earned a small laugh from Michael.   
“You have to promise that you won't out me. I fucking mean it, or else I'll splatter your brains all over the wall when I hug you with a chainsaw.”   
“What good would it do me to out you? Don't worry, everything here is confidential. Mr. Burns only let me have the club on those grounds.”   
“I'm Michael.”   
Michael watched as Gavin pulled a notebook from the backpack slumped on the desk next to him.   
“It really blows that nobody else showed up,” Gavin said, flipping through pages of his notebook. “I had a whole discussion set up and everything!”   
“Well,” Michael said, looking around at the dusty classroom. There was still English textbook questions up on the board. “Maybe you can shove your discussions up your ass.”   
The room was filled with stunned silence. Michael’s phone went off again.   
R: I know you aren't at home you little bitch   
M: what do you mean?  
R: you live a block away from me, i just know, okay  
R: so  
R: what are you REALLY doing   
Michael didn’t bother to reply. He knew that if his mom found out where he was, he was in for a load of trouble, but right now she thought he was at Ray’s. Ray wouldn’t rat him out to his mom. He barely got to go out and hang around with Ray as it was, if he got in trouble for something then he would never see the light of day again, and Ray would be back to roaming the hallways alone. Because if his mom found out he wasn’t straight, especially since she had been stewed in the teachings of the Bible for years, something bad was bound to happen.


	3. Findings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took forever to write! And yes, I'm totally leaving you guys on a cliffhanger. Happy reading!

“I guess we can just sit around here, then. Unless you have somewhere to be?”   
Gavin looked like such a pathetic loser that Michael couldn’t muster up the attitude to leave. He was so disappointed that his club hadn’t turned out. Obiously it wouldn’t. You’re in Fort Worth, Texas. Nobody here admits to being anything other than straight as a board and a God-fearing insubordinate. Looking at Gavin now, he was like a disappointed little kid. Michael bit the inside of his lip and smiled.   
“You know, I really don’t.”   
“You’re staying?”   
“Yeah. Why not?”   
Gavin now looked like he had just been handed the entire world on a silver platter. Something strange twitched in Michael’s chest, a tug at the heartstrings, perhaps. He smiled back and Gavin pulled out yet another notebook. Michael cocked an eyebrow at him.   
“English homework. I can write and talk.” 

 

That night, at the dinner table, facing the Wall Of God, Michael was less antsy. Somehow, he felt like the weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He had come out to someone, and they hadn’t spit in his face and called him a fag. Gavin was outwardly and obviously gay, so it would be strange for him to say anything, but still.   
“Feeling better about exams?” His mother questioned. Michael smiled and nodded. He was on a lying streak lately. He found that he really didn’t seem to care much. 

 

Nothing of note happened that week, other than normal high school frivolities. Michael’s first English exam turned out to be much easier than he thought, and he ended up acing it. Ray failed a Spanish assignment, since he hadn’t bothered to turn it in. That Friday, Michael felt a little less worried about going to Gavin’s club. He even managed to hang out with Gavin for a bit aside from said club, and he didn’t understand why everyone seemed to either hate him or ignore him. Ray didn’t seem to care either way, and an addition was made to their friend group.   
“So, uh…” Ray started, and Michael could see he was racking his brain for a lie. “I can’t walk with you today.”   
“Oh? Why not?”   
“Because my sister has a piano recital and mom is making me go to it.”   
Ray’s sister didn’t play piano. She played violin. Ray knew full well that Michael knew he was lying.   
“That sounds lame as shit, dude.”  
“It totally is. It’s complete bullshit.”   
“Later, then?”  
“Later. Am I seeing you Saturday?”  
“Yeah. We’ll teach those twelve-year olds to be racially insensitive over Xbox Live.”   
“Awesome.”   
Ray left with a final wave. Michael waited until he was gone before heading to Mr. Hullum’s room. He was on time today, and walked into Mr. Hullum’s room without having to sit and wait outside. Gavin was already there, writing furiously on a page of looseleaf paper.   
“Hey.”   
“Oh, hi, Michael.” Gavin replied, not looking up. Michael took a seat and waited for Gavin to be finished.   
M: yo ray  
R: Whats up Mikey  
M: bored as hell. Mr. Ramsey held me back after class  
R: you are such a liar but ok  
M: are you calling me a liar?  
R: well I’m not calling you a truther.  
Michael looked up as the door to the class creaked open. A very familiar scuffed toe of a Converse shoe peeked in, followed by the rest of a very familiar person. Michael nearly died.   
“Ray?”   
“Michael?” Ray replied, with a tinge of surprise.   
“Wait. You’re…”   
“Nevermind me, what about you? I thought-”  
“We both thought-”  
“You’re gay?”   
“I’m gay. You’re gay?”  
“Queer as a three dollar bill.”   
“I could have told you all this time?” They both admonished in unison. Surprised silence gave way to warm laughter, with Michael and Ray hugging each other tightly at their newfound common trait.   
“I thought you were gonna hate me if I told you.”   
“I thought the exact same thing. I could never hate you, Ray.”   
“I could never hate you. You’re my best friend, you idiot.”   
When they let go of each other, they could see Gavin in the corner, looking teary-eyed.   
“You two have the best friendship.” Gavin sniffed.   
“Don’t get all emotional on us, for fucks sakes.”   
“It’s just...sweet…to see-”  
“I said cram it, Crumpet Fucker.”   
Gavin sniffed one last time and pulled his notebook, the same one from their first meeting, out of his backpack.   
“Okay. So you’re Ray?”   
“Affirmative.”   
“I’m Gav, it’s nice to meet you. First thing on the agenda today: recognizing and overcoming internalized homophobia.”   
Michael glanced sideways at Gavin.   
“Internalized huh?” Ray asked.   
“Homophobia. Hatred of yourself based on sexuality.”   
“Oh. Okay.” 

 

Gavin ran the group like it was a classroom. Michael never knew as many things about the world going into that classroom as he did coming out of it. Gavin said Michael was a prime example of internalized homophobia, but Michael disagreed. Michael had been told so much growing up that he was supposed to like girls that he really did think something was wrong with him. How could he not? When someone tells you something enough, you started to believe it. Michael couldn’t sort out the mixed messages he was getting. On one hand, he felt like everything he felt was wrong. His mother would be disappointed in him, and he couldn’t let that happen. What if he told her and she kicked him out of the house? Michael had nowhere to go. He couldn't be this way, he just couldn’t. It wasn’t and never would be a possibility. But on the other, Michael was tired of hiding and lying and all the other things he did so much. Michael hated himself so much, it didn’t seem like it was all that bad if his mother did too. And what did he have to lose? He wasn’t going to come out to her, but maybe he could just never think of boys around her ever again.   
Which would be difficult, since Gavin seemed to always be on his mind.   
Michael shook the thought from his head. He didn’t have time to worry about this. He had to get home. It was already getting dark out and his mother didn’t like him being out this late.   
As Michael stepped up the porch to his home, warm light spilling out onto the dark streets, a wave of uneasiness washed over him. He choked it back and took a deep breath before opening the front door.   
“Mom, I’m home!” He called. Michael walked through the house, stopping when he saw her in the kitchen.   
“Honey,” Mrs. Jones said, smiling. “I think it’s time we had a little talk about something.”  
Michael felt his heart drop.   
“Really? What about?” He tried to act nonchalant, he really did, but his voice wavered ever so slightly. Mrs. Jones smiled warmly and pulled a chair out.   
“Take a seat.”   
Michael felt panic rush through him, but he was trapped. He sat down and tried to hide his shaking hands.   
She found out. She found out. She knows and she’s about to kick you out of the house.   
Michael’s panicked thoughts did not help. He wiped his sweaty hands on his jeans and looked at his mother.   
It’s now or never. She already knows. Just say it.  
“What’s up, Mom?”   
“Well, someone told me that you and Ray joined a little club after school.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back and I don't know what I'm doing.   
> So, I have about nine hundred unfinished one shots that I kind of want to finish and post here, but I have a bad case of Not Finishing Anything-Itis. I'm probably gonna be posting a lot more stuff here next week since I have winter break, and not being at school makes me more ~creative~ I feel.   
> Here's hoping for a Christmas themed angst thing going up next week sometime! Happy Reading!

Michael knew he was screwed. He was totally fucked.   
“And who was that?”  
“Ray’s mom called, she said that she thought it was great you boys joined the chess club.”   
Michael let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding in. “Well, you know.” He said, trying to appear like he hadn’t just had 57 consecutive heart attacks. “I wanted to broaden my horizons.”  
“Either way, I’m curious as to why you didn’t tell me about it.”   
“Must have slipped my mind. Sorry, Mom.”   
“Still, I don’t want you thinking you have to go and hide things from me. Not saying you were, of course, but you always tell me everything.”   
“I know, Mom. I assumed you knew anyway.”   
“I didn’t, how would I? Just, next time you join an after-school club, tell me about it.”   
“Of course, Mom.”   
As soon as Michael could, he sprinted upstairs to his bedroom. Instantly he dug his phone from his pocket as he fell back onto his bed.   
M: dude you are such an asshole  
R: I mean yeah but why  
M: your mom nearly just outed both of us on a call to my mom. Stop telling your mom about shit we’re doing after school  
R: well I would have but she asked if I joined a Mexican street gang and I had to tell her something now didn't I?  
M: How would you even join a Mexican street gang you’re Puerto Rican  
R: the point, that isn’t.   
M: yeah but you get my point.   
R: I do.   
R: sorry to burst your bubble but I had a pretty good game going, with minimal interjections from racially insensitive twelve-year-olds on Xbox Live  
R: gotta go, maybe you can make more friends while I’m gone. Loser.   
Michael tossed his phone onto his dresser and rolled onto his side. He had homework to worry about. Exams were coming up and the very last thing he needed was to get down in marks before exams week, which he would be royally fucked by if his general attention span in most classes was anything to go by. He looked at his backpack, which was sitting slumped by his desk. He’d had the same backpack for four years, and it showed. Worn patches, faded fabric. If he squinted he could see the little cat pin Lindsay had stuck on it three months into their relationship. He didn’t know why he didn’t just get rid of it. It was a cute cat. And Lindsay’s insistence on him having it seemed to burn its way back from his memory every time he unpinned it. Michael never was good at getting rid of things that held sentimental value.   
Michael shook his head. He was getting sappy over a pin. Pull it together, Michael, he chastised himself.   
That chemistry homework isn’t going to do itself.


	5. Friendships New and Old

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys, I am SO sorry this took so long to add! Issues with the wifi here and annoying limitations from working on my phone instead of my computer, exam prep and studying, and me being horribly sick prevented me from getting this up sooner! Everything is sorted now, and aside from keeping on working on my phone, everything should be good from here on out! Thank you guys so much for being patient with me! Happy Reading!

Friday came and it was quickly becoming a highlight of Michael's week. It was nice to just sit down and talk with some people he considered his friends. He didn't know if Gavin would say they were friends, but Gavin was weird and English. Different customs, Michael decided, so it was very possible Gavin disliked him and he just didn't know.   
Michael made the walk to Mr. Hullum’s room with Ray in tow, and Michael was surprised to see that they had two new members. Those two new members were the last people he expected. Sitting in an orange plastic chair, as was custom for the school's chairs, looking quite uncomfortable, was Lindsay. She had a girl on her arm that Michael only recognized because she was a cheerleader. Michael was fuzzy on her name, though. It started with M, that much he remembered. He was sure Gavin would do his annoying roll call and he would learn her name. Ray elbowed him violently.  
“Dude. Lindsay’s a lesbian?”  
“You don't know that.”   
“She's with that chick, whatsherface.”  
“Don't assume people's sexuality, Ray.”  
“Are you triggered? Are you going to post at length on Tumblr about it?”  
Michael rolled his eyes. Sometimes Ray’s tendency to mildly offensive humor grated on him. He walked in and sat beside Lindsay.  
“Well, look who it is.” Lindsay said. There was something genuine and friendly in her tone.  
“I could say the same for you.”  
“I guess this kind of explains some things, doesn't it?”  
“Kind of.”  
“You know, I kind of assumed you weren't straight.”  
“Why not?”  
“Because of that one time you got trashed at Kay's house and told me you thought girls were gross.”   
“I did not do that.”   
“You did. It's cool. Kay doesn't suspect a thing.”   
“Really?”  
“She thought it was just drunk rambling.”  
Michael missed having this kind of conversation with people other than Ray. Sure, Ray was his best friend, but it was so refreshing to talk to someone with a different perspective. And plus, Lindsay looked so happy with the girl on her arm, who was cracking stupid dorky jokes as fast as she could think of them. For once, Michael felt normal. He was here, and he was gay, and he didn't have to hide.   
“Alright, so, I would just like to say, welcome to our new members, and a reminder that everything said here is totally confidential. Don't go outing people, or we won't have a club.”   
Everyone nodded assent. Gavin rarely got serious, but he sounded pretty serious right then. He bounced back to his normal, cheerful tone.  
“Okay, introductions! Tell us your name, your identity if you wish, and, I don't know, your stance on cats versus dogs.” Gavin said. Lindsay was the first to speak.   
“Alright. I'm Lindsay, I'm a lesbian, and cats are the best.”   
“I would never have thought you were a cat person, what with your predisposition to-”   
“I'm Michael, I'm gay, and I like both cats and dogs.”  
Michael cut Ray off before he could get even more disgusting.   
“I'm Meg, I'm bi, and I agree that cats are the best.”   
“And finally, last and most certainly least, I'm Ray, I'm gay, and my stance is dogs all the way.”   
“Nice rhyme.” Lindsay said.  
“Thanks. I aim to please.”   
“Shut up,Ray. Okay, after that, I think it's time for our latest discussion topic!” Gavin actually took a piece of chalk and started writing on the board like this was a class or something. In big, loopy handwriting on the board, there were the words “Gender and sexual identity.”   
Michael wondered what exactly Gavin was getting onto, but he found he didn't mind that much as he cracked jokes with Lindsay, made off topic remarks to Ray, and made idle conversation with Meg. Michael finally felt like he belonged. 

The feeling dissipated as soon as he walked out of the classroom, but at least he finally had like minded friends. Michael could choose his friends, and he could choose his family. If his mom found out, Michael had other people that would have his back.   
At least, he hoped.


End file.
